Goodbye, Docent

December 11, 2010 (I think)
Chelonia Mydas basking: Can’t see yet.

Interesting Turtle Fact #4: When threatened by humans coming too close Green Sea Turtles will flee into deep water, only to return when the threat has subsided.

The throbbing of my head is synchronized to the crashing of the waves. As I open my eyes there is an otherworldly peach aura about me. I then realize I have spent the night in Docent Headquarters. My throbbing head and parched mouth tell me that I was over served on Steinlagers, or it could have been the pakalolo.. I vaguely remember wifey making an appearance and telling me she had had enough and was returning to the mainland. She said she could no longer live with a cross between Don Quixote and Maxwell Smart. She said if I did return to normalcy I could come back. I tried to explain that I’m the docent and who would watch out for Chelonia Mydas. She said you are no freaking docent, you are just some crazy ass old retired guy with too much time on his hands and she’d had it. Then off she went and off I went back to dah boys and dah Steinlager. Some times you have to make sacrifices to pursue your purpose.

Before starting my shift I needed to look somewhat professional. Perhaps a shower would remove the black sand stuck to my face and I probably should find my clothes that I seemed to have misplaced. I wrapped myself in one of the peach colored sheets that made up an interior wall of Docent Headquarters and headed off to the showers at the main parking lot.

I felt much better after running some cold water on myself. The throbbing head was improving and I was just about ready to start greeting visitors when an official looking white sedan drove up and parked. The driver got out and walked up to my newly painted sign -
Turtle Tours Donation
$1 Per Person
Preferred Parking $5

“Hello, brother. Do you know who put this illegal sign here?” the gentleman asked me.
Noting the menacing tone of voice I thought it best to fake ignorance. “No, sir. Is there a problem?”
“We had a report of someone shaking down tourists, and we would like to find him,” he replied.
“I’ll keep my eye out for him,” I said as I slowly made my way back towards Docent Headquarters.

Just then a Hawaiian County Sheriff drives up with blue light flashing.. Most deputies drive their personal vehicles with a blue light thrown on the roof, reminiscent of a K-Mart Blue Light Special. The deputy gets out and also gives the sign the once over, in particular eyeing the STOP on the reverse side.
“Have you seen the guy who put this sign here?” he queried.
“I’m looking for him as well,” the gentleman responded.
“Me too, is there a problem?” I replied.
“Well, we had a truck hauling macadamia nuts roll through what was a 4-way stop in Pahala. It swerved to miss a car and dumped 10 tons of nuts in the middle of the street. The nuts are all over the road and are rolling downhill towards the highway. A haole lady driving a gray Ford Focus on her way to the airport said we might be able to find the nut responsible here.”
“I’ll keep an eye out for him,” I assured the deputy.

I felt it was time for me to make my way back to Docent Headquarters, find my clothes, and maybe take the day off. Still wrapped in my peach-colored sheet, I made tracks across the black sand. I found my clothes hanging from a tree and quickly changed. It was then that a beat-up pickup truck pulled into the parking lot and out of the back jumped 12 partially clad, angry looking Hare Krishnas. They started running towards Docent Headquarters.

“Hey Docent, I tink it be mo bettah you find anudda beach to be Da Docent,” shouted one of the bruddahs at the other end of the beach.
“I tink you right, bruddah,” I said as I began to walk briskly up the dirt road.
I had gone a couple of hundred yards when a gray Ford Focus came to a screeching halt. Wifey rolls down the window and asks, “Can I give you a ride back to reality?”
“But what about the Honu?” The glare I received told me to get in the car and shut up.
“Aloha Honu. Aloha Punaluu. Mahalo.”